No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"Okay, so maybe I don't end every sentence with "Do you guys hate me?", but it's practically the end of all of the sentences that simmer out of my internal dialogue. I wish I were kidding about that.
- Mike Birbiglia
For those few of you that have known me since high school, I've come a long way when it comes to self-esteem. I've made strides, I tell you. For the most part, I think I'm pretty fabulous. My hair tends to look great more often than not. I like the way my butt looks in those jeans. I've got an awesome nose.
But then I start analyzing myself socially. And I go from all of this positive self-thinking to stuff that sounds more like this:
Am I bugging her? They must think I'm so freaking annoying. Am I calling/texting/talking too much? Too little? What if they're all nice to me to my face and I'm the person no one really wants around? I shouldn't have mentioned watch that show/movie; now they're going to think I'm an idiot. She probably regrets being friends with me. Am I being talked about when I leave the room?
That's it. They all secretly hate me but no one's brave enough to say anything - or worse, they think that by being nice to me it won't hurt my feelings. Why did I get out of bed today, seriously?
These are the thoughts that go through my head when I'm at work, around my friends/family, at church, on Facebook (yes), you name it. It's not as constant as you might think, but when I get socially insecure, these self-questions get really loud, really quickly.
I could ask my readership the "do you guys hate me" question. Maybe there'll be one or two people to affirm my socially good standing, but I always dread the silence more than anything else.
Resolved: If you hate me, tell me so. If I'm mildly annoying, tell me so. If you'd rather I stay on that side of the room and elect not to talk to you, tell me so.
Ready? Go.
I mean, you're cool enough to get the Becky stamp of approval. Don't know if that means anything, but you've got it all the same :) <3
ReplyDeleteBECKY. How am I not already following you?
DeleteIt's weird, I had a bad night with a conversation that triggered one of my PMD episodes and made me wish you were around. I have those thoughts too, more than I like to admit. It's kinda selfishly comforting to know we've followed the same path since high school. We're getting better, though.
ReplyDeleteYou know I'll always have your back and you never have to censor yourself around me. <3