It just hasn't been a good week at work, and it's only Wednesday. I've been flooded with things that are beyond my knowhow, and when I don't know how to do things, I get flustered. When I get flustered, I make stupid mistakes. And when I make stupid mistakes, I make big messes. Big messes that I have to clean up. Which make me flustered. And so it goes.
All this nasty cycle just leaves me lacking. The fact of it is, I don't want to be defined by my career. I don't even need to love what I do. I want to make a reasonable amount of money at a decent-enough job with decent-enough folks around me. For the most part, I have that.
But when I get flustered and make stupid mistakes, I don't feel valuable as an employee. I may not be a career woman, but I do want to be of some value at my job. Here lately, I don't feel that way. And it's crummy. So crummy, in fact, that I envy people that leave the company. They're getting a way out. They're going on to better things.
The thing is, I'd like to go on to a different job, but I also want to be a mommy in the foreseeable future. When I become a mommy, I'm staying at home for a few years, at least. So, y'know, I'm trapped.
For now, anyway.
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